You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2010.
Sophia is going through the trauma of teething and therefore has a hard time sleeping at night. This morning I woke up and she was in bed with me snuggled up to me holding my arm like it was a teddy bear.
Few things are more perfect and beautiful than a sleeping baby. When you are a “daddy teddy bear” to one of these little angels …….
In the 70’s there was an animated sitcom called “Wait Till Your Father Gets Home.” The cartoon revolved around the generational gap between a conservative father and his liberal and sometimes lazy children. When the father got home from work, he was usually confronted with the issue of the day and was asked to discipline the children (thus the name of the show).
Yesterday I got a call from Melissa that the girls were making her crazy – Sophia teething and Sara just tired and grouchy. I couldn’t really be much consolation from work but on my commute home I got the answer; “Attack in all directions.”
When I got home and showed my affection to everyone, Sara and I went up to Melissa and my room to “hide from mommy.” I wanted to know from her perspective what happened; so I said “did you have a difficult day today?” So my little 3.5 year old proceeded to tell me about things that were bothering her, that she and mommy were grouchy to each other, that she was mad because of this and that, etc.
I never know an open ended question to a 3.5 year old could get such a response. So I tried to help her get a new perspective on things that made her mad.
Remembering that I as a daddy am coming home to a foreign culture (see A Stranger Among Us, When Cultures Collide), it is important for me to remember to respect everyone and not judge based on limited information. It would have been easy to come home on my high horse and fix the problem, i.e. discipline Sara. But I made my one and only goal: To have Sara feel comfortable talking to me about anything, knowing she won’t be preached to, judged or punished.
While my advice to her probably wasn’t exactly “right” for the specific situation of the day, it didn’t matter. Sara and I became closer and our communication became better because of how I approached it (we’ll call it substance over form). In the foundational years, I believe this to be more important than being “right” or showing my strength and power over her.
In the evening Melissa and I talked about what happened. Being a praying man, I prayed for Melissa; to have calm in the storm and authority over our house and children. After everyone went to bed, I went into the girls room to pray for peace and rest.
As an visitor to the culture that Melissa and the girls have during the day, respect for everyone is first and foremost. Discipline doesn’t come from an action (spanking, yelling, punishing), it comes from a child’s respect for their parents and is influenced from a long, consistent pattern of parents respect for their children.
Attack in all directions = help guide Sara, talk to Melissa & encourage and pray in the spiritual world for future peace.
Melissa was 20 months pregnant with Sara when we anxiously went to get our first ultrasound. With amazement we watched the technician show the various parts of Sara’s forming body. As the exam when on, the technician didn’t talk quite so much and became much more reserved. Soon she left for a minute and came back with a doctor. When the doctor took over the exam, we knew something wasn’t quite right. The doctor eventually said that the baby had markers that indicated spina bifida. As first time parents, we were absolutely beside ourselves with fear and concern for our little baby. Our hopes and dreams of bikes and skis were lost to thoughts wheelchairs and crutches.
As it turns out, Sara didn’t have spina bifida, she was physically perfect. However, she does have sensory issues – basically she relies on Melissa to be her central nervous system. When things are stressful for Sara like being in a new location, meeting new people, loud places, etc., Sara can’t calm herself by herself. As you can image, this puts a huge strain on Melissa. If someone were to watch Sara they would probably say that we are spoiling her because we let her get away with being clingy and dependent on Melissa.
When Sara was around one year old, we tried to let her cry it out one night, the next day she wasn’t quite right, more distant and seemingly less trustful of us. On this, we decided to parent with our hearts and not the books and never did that to her again.
As we have gone to various therapists to help Sara, every doctor we have talked to said that if we would have made Sara “work it out” on her own, that she would have been a “train wreck” as an older child. She needed more time and loving care to be emotionally ready to handle the stresses of life. One of the doctors said that we need to baby our baby so that we don’t need to baby and adult. That phrase stuck with us and gave us the courage to measure Sara with a different yard stick than other children.
Over the past few years we have seen gradual and steady positive improvement and maturity in Sara. If we would have tried to measure Sara against other children her age or against most child rearing books, we would have thought that Sara (and we as parents) were falling behind. However, if we measure Sara against someone with spina bifida, then we realize that she is developing wonderfully and we thank God every day that she is so perfect and normal.
As parents we only have one chance to give our children a foundation; as they grow, the foundation will determine their emotional and physical well being for the rest of their lives. Measure your child on where they are today vs where they were before, not where other children are in their development.
When Melissa and I were first married we bought a nice little home in Boulder, CO. The home was ours, built on dreams of what our new life together would be.
When we had Sara we decided that Melissa would stay at home and raise our children. While it was financially challenging at times, we felt that the benefit to our children was well worth the sacrifice. Before Sophia was born we moved out of our marital house into a larger home. After the move, I had to work and Melissa was busy with Sara and setting up the new house.
After some time, I noticed that weekends were becoming increasingly difficult for me. I was starting to feel like an outsider in my own house. How could that be that I am feeling like this? How could I feel so separated from my family and from my house?
This issue was difficult to recognize and even more difficult to articulate to Melissa. So in common fashion I didn’t say anything until I was angry and upset about it; that’s when it all came together for me. What I realized at that moment is that during the day when I was at work they had routines, experiences, trials/tribulations and friends together and that they were creating their own family subculture. When I come home from work, I am entering a culture which I had very little influence in creating.
This has to be a common occurrence because of the huge number of TV shows where the dopy dad comes home and can’t do anything right; effectively he is anti-social in the family subculture. It’s funny on TV, not so funny when it’s in your own house.
As I tried to put this into perspective, I remembered before we had children, Melissa would help me in the office with some administrative tasks. She didn’t know where the supplies were, she didn’t know anything about finding data our network and didn’t have a good knowledge about what needed to be done. Essentially she was a visitor into my daytime work culture.
While the circumstances are quite different between my work culture and my family’s home subculture, the parallel was drawn of being a visitor into an unfamiliar culture. Without recognizing what was happening, it would have been very easy for me to withdraw and become elusive from my family; but that’s just not acceptable to me.
To this day, I’m constantly working to walk the fine line between respecting and understanding the subculture that Melissa and the girls have built and weighing in on what my beliefs and ideals are for my family. I will not be the dopy, anti-social father from TV, but I will also not be a tyrannical visitor to my family’s subculture. A balancing act between respect for others and self-respect is the righteous path.
As a daddy there are some moments that fill you with overwhelming joy.
Recently we’ve had a hard time putting the two girls to bed at the same time. So, while Melissa put Sara to bed my job was to watch Sophia. I found that by holding Sophia, turning down the lights and turning on Nora Jones that Sophia would relax and eventually pass out in my arms. There are few moments more overflowing with love than when you hold a sleeping angel.
Daddy's Daze 
Recent Comments